my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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