I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Couch. On fire.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
