thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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