we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
