My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Oh god it's open bar.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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