You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
