I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
