Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
how drunk are you?
Several
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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