You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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