I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
