My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
