Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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