I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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