dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
