i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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