if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
