Got a toothbrush?
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
