My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I look better un-naked...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Randomize
