Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Randomize
