lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
