My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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