i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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