I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
i think i just lost a toe
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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