She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
