I hate your face
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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