The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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