If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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