Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
