Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
