She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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