My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
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I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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