At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
