living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
