just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
