New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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