my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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