It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
