my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
