3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
