just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
