as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
