I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
