I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
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