the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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