bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
