youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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