im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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