I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
