One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
