would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
