Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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