sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
