All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
