Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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