get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize