the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
