I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize