Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
