I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
