The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
